MY CAR HAS AN ADDICTION

Buying a used car is tricky business. We worry about the previous owner’s maintenance of the vehicle. We worry it was banged up in a wreck. We worry the car might be a lemon.

Seldom do we worry that a car was an accessory to crime (see Myrtle It’s A Haint) because it doesn’t occur to us that a car would do such a thing. Even if we select a car without suspicious stains or obvious bullet holes, it could have learned bad habits from the previous owner.

Like donuts.  I don’t have a problem with donuts. Honest. My car, though, harbors a serious addiction to them. I learned this when Krispy Kreme moved into a neighborhood shopping center.

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The first time I pulled into the opposite side of the parking lot, the car went bonkers. It was bouncing on its chassis like all four shocks had simultaneously exploded as it lunged in the direction of the Krispy Kreme.  You should try driving a  car  that is rising up on its back tires hollering “YEEHAWWW!”  It’s an experience. I promise.

As addictions go, this one doesn’t cost a whole lot. Two donuts at Krispy Kreme run about $2.18. The problem, as I see it, is the car’s insistence that I eat the two donuts. This is doing nothing for my middle-aged figure. If I could lift the hood and throw donuts at the engine, then the car, instead of me, could figure out how to slip into that little black dress.

I recently mentioned this problem to a friend of mine. She confessed that her last used car had done the same thing whenever she tried to drive past Krispy Kreme. It got so that the Krispy Kreme clerks knew her order by heart. At the point when the car tires were starting to bulge, she made the decision to cut back on her donut order. It didn’t go well. The clerk looked out the window, recognized her, and said, “Ooops, I’ve got your order wrong. Let me get your usual dozen.” When she yelled “Nooooooo, my car is on a diet,” the clerk ignored her. She got her usual dozen donuts. Free.

I offer this to you as a gentle warning. Yes, a new car loses a pile of money the minute you wheel it off the lot but the used car? You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.

Note: I had to make an emergency trip to the vacuum cleaner store on July 23rd. With a death grip on the steering wheel, I managed to drive past the Krispy Kreme two doors down from the vacuum cleaner store. The car threw a fit when I tried to drive past the second Krispy Kreme. I was given a senior citizen discount I did not know about and did not request. Worse yet, the clerk managed to ascertain my old age from behind the building and around a corner. I should have purchased a dozen donuts and stuffed that car’s mouth with them!