Post last updated: October 29th, 2018
This is another one of those things that doesn’t happen to normal people. I think my car has a haint.
Now some of you fine folks who don’t speak Southern may be unfamiliar with haints so let me explain. Haints are restless spirits of the dead. If you’ve got a haint, you’ve got a ghost.
Plain and simple, my car is haunted.
As I explained in Duct Tape, I think my car was previously owned by a small-time gangster whose life went south at birth because his parents named him something unusual like Poindexter. By the time he was a junior teen, he had probably renamed himself Da’Hood.
I also suspect he used the car, a hand-me-down from his mother, for nefarious purposes including the possibility of hauling dead bodies around in the trunk. I came to this conclusion the first time I opened the trunk on my used car and found a dark stain on the black carpet. I took it back to the dealer who was unable to remove the stain. It’s gotta be blood, right? You’ve watched CSI, haven’t you? There isn’t enough bleach in the world to make blood disappear. Those CSI people can always find enough traces of it to throw your sorry behind in jail. This might be why I’m driving Da’Hood’s car. He’s probably in the glamour slammer doing time for that stain in my trunk. I’ve never killed anything bigger than a pencil-thin snake but I’m soaking up Da’Hood’s bad karma!
One of those dead bodies Da’Hood hauled around is still trying to get out of the trunk. I’ll head out into civilization and notice the bright orange trunk light on my dash indicating my trunk is open. Sometimes I’ll hear a sound like the trunk popping open when I’m at stop lights.
Or I go out to the garage, walk up to the car and find it locked. Half of Poppie’s garage is a “man cave” of saws and hammers. On those occasions he needs the entire garage for a project, he moves my car with an extra set of keys hidden in the garage. For a long while, I shrugged off the locked car thinking that Poppie had chosen to lock the car when he put it back in the garage. Until the day I went out there to get something out of the car. I remembered to take the keys to open the garage but not my car key because I don’t lock the car when it’s in the garage. The car was locked. I borrowed the key from its hiding place, unlocked the car, then walked the key back to the hiding place. Just as I got back to the car, CLUNK! All four doors locked. The haint had locked me out of my own car.
I mentioned the lock down episodes to Poppie. He admitted that he’s walked up to the car and all four doors locked at once. Just like me, his hand is on the key, not the key fob, when these things happen.
Between the haint and Da’Hood’s gangster buddies, I’m afraid to park my car at Wal-Mart. What if the gangster buddies were in the parking lot and the haint, with karmic mischief in mind, finally got himself out of the trunk? Or, what if Da’Hood’s gangster buddies recognized his old car and stole it out from under me while I’m up to my elbows in the flower seed display?