MYRTLE, IT’S A HAINT!

Post last updated: October 29th, 2018

This is another one of those things that doesn’t happen to normal people. I think my car has a haint.

Now some of you fine folks who don’t speak Southern may be unfamiliar with haints so let me explain. Haints are restless spirits of the dead. If you’ve got a haint, you’ve got a ghost.

Plain and simple, my car is haunted.

skeleton-1694

As I explained in Duct Tape, I think my car was previously owned by a small-time gangster whose life went south at birth because his parents named him something unusual like Poindexter. By the time he was a junior teen, he had probably renamed himself Da’Hood.

I also suspect he used the car, a hand-me-down from his mother, for nefarious purposes including the possibility of hauling dead bodies around in the trunk. I came to this conclusion the first time I opened the trunk on my used car and found a dark stain on the black carpet. I took it back to the dealer who was unable to remove the stain. It’s gotta be blood, right? You’ve watched CSI, haven’t you? There isn’t enough bleach in the world to make blood disappear. Those CSI people can always find enough traces of it to throw your sorry behind in jail. This might be why I’m driving Da’Hood’s car. He’s probably in the glamour slammer doing time for that stain in my trunk. I’ve never killed anything bigger than a pencil-thin snake but I’m soaking up Da’Hood’s bad karma!

One of those dead bodies Da’Hood hauled around is still trying to get out of the trunk. I’ll head out into civilization and notice the bright orange trunk light on my dash indicating my trunk is open. Sometimes I’ll hear a sound like the trunk popping open when I’m at stop lights.

Or I go out to the garage, walk up to the car and find it locked. Half of Poppie’s garage is a “man cave” of saws and hammers. On those occasions he needs the entire garage for a project, he moves my car with an extra set of keys hidden in the garage. For a long while, I shrugged off the locked car thinking that Poppie had chosen to lock the car when he put it back in the garage. Until the day I went out there to get something out of the car. I remembered to take the keys to open the garage but not my car key because I don’t lock the car when it’s in the garage. The car was locked. I borrowed the key from its hiding place, unlocked the car, then walked the key back to the hiding place. Just as I got back to the car, CLUNK!  All four doors locked. The haint had locked me out of my own car.

I mentioned the lock down episodes to Poppie. He admitted that he’s walked up to the car and all four doors locked at once. Just like me, his hand is on the key, not the key fob, when these things happen.

Between the haint and Da’Hood’s gangster buddies, I’m afraid to park my car at Wal-Mart. What if the gangster buddies were in the parking lot and the haint, with karmic mischief in mind, finally got himself out of the trunk? Or, what if Da’Hood’s gangster buddies recognized his old car and stole it out from under me while I’m up to my elbows in the flower seed display?

19 thoughts on “MYRTLE, IT’S A HAINT!”

  1. That is too funny but I know what you mean. I sure hope Juwaun or his friends don’t come take your car because I don’t want to be hauling your sorry behind around chasing the seed truck.

  2. I agree. If the rocker in my aunt’s front parlor could rock when supposedly nobody was in there (must have been a haint), surely there’s one in your car.

  3. Ha, this is why I can’t watch shows like CSI! I would start noticing way too many suspicious details.
    Hopefully it’s just your electro-magnetic personality interfering with the key fob? That’s what the excuse I give to Mr. Red House about how computers and other electronic devices seem to just go haywire around me.. either that or some haint of my very own is following me around..

    1. Electro-magnetic personality, huh? Indie, I think most of my friends believe I’m Too Crazy for that. Evie thinks I have far too many crazy adventures. I had two just today: (1) when I left the skeleton in the car (in the dark garage because I had been trying to get the skeleton’s glow-in-the-dark paint to glow) to check my photos (sometimes I have to re-shoot), I scared the poop out of Poppie when he came home from breakfast and pulled up next to my car with the window rolled down and a skeleton arm hanging out. He thought I was “messing” with him; (2) at the grocery store, this gal with a German Shepherd dog who was tangling her in his leash, dropped her card board box and a kitten popped out. I started screaming “kitty” at the top of my lungs so this woman wouldn’t back her truck up and squash him. My screaming attracted two other women, one of whom rescued the cat and gave it back to Ms. Cardboard Box whereupon she turned to me, even though 2 other women were standing there, and asked me to drive her home (2 blocks away). I said fine so the dog, the cat and us two gals piled into my car. This gal was a stranger to me. If there is anything electro-magnetic about me, it must be weirdness that I magnetize.

  4. Lets hope none of Juwaun’s enemys’ recognize his car when you are in it and decides to do a drive by shooting! Stay OFF 103rd, girl.
    You need to have a talk with that haint, too!

    1. Yeah, Farmpest, even Dad said our neck of the woods was getting a little rough BUT they had a shooting at the Golden Corral on Normandy where Evie and I have breakfast sometimes. I stay home a lot but I probably make my neighbors nervous because I’m always into some sort of strangeness. Can you imagine what The Hippy thought this morning when he was mowing his yard and I was dragging a skeleton across the yard to the workshop/garage? What kind of talk should I have with the haint? Do you think I could set him straight?

  5. You are so funny! Your stories of Juwaun are so realistic, I believe your car must be haunted! Maybe you could throw some garlic in the trunk? Or is that only good for vampires? Surely there’s something that’s supposed to get rid of old ghosts!

  6. Only you could have all this fun in your garage. If you want to check if it’s actual blood in your car, dump some peroxide on the stain. If it bubbles up…wha-la. Blood. By the way, peroxide works wonders for removing blood from everything, except the human body. I paid a fortune to get blood from the carpet when LB fell and it didn’t come out completely. I used peroxide and…yep the stain is gone.

    1. Loysetta – I hear that a lot: “only you….” I don’t really WANT to know FOR SURE that dead bodies were hauled around in my car. I prefer conjecture. I agree that peroxide is a miracle substance. Mix it with baking soda and you can remove just about any laundry stain. You shoulda tried the peroxide before you paid out good money.

  7. I think the only haint is in your overactive imagination. I must say the haint story was funny, but the funniest part was your follow up comment about scaring Poppie by leaving the skeleton sitting in your car! Maybe you should leave the skeleton in the passenger side of the car so that Juwaun’s business associates are too scared to come near your car.

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