DO NOT OPERATE MACHINERY

Post last updated: October 10th, 2018

You’ve seen those tiny warnings on prescription bottles: “may cause drowsiness, “do not operate machinery.” I never particularly thought of them as common sense warnings for life — “if drowsy, do not operate machinery.”  Sigh. Momma always claimed I never had a lick of common sense and she’s probably shakin’ her head all the way up there in Heaven.

It started with two days of unseasonably warm weather in the 80’s. I got out there to do a little weeding in the vegetable garden as best I could with my crippled-up back. It took me two days to weed one and half rows, 28 feet in length, because every time I bent over, I couldn’t get back up. On one of those days, I ran some errands afterwards. I know I shouldn’t do things like this, but sometimes I do it anyway.

Around 4:00, I began to cook dinner for Poppie. Mind you, my fatigued muscles had not been restored by any sort of prolonged prone position or a nap. Not a good idea when you have chronic pain from an injury. So what does Ms. Fumble Fingers do? She dropped the manual, hand-crank can opener on the floor.

This is Exhibit A
This is Exhibit A

The handles might be fake stainless steel, for all I know, but the business end has some serious heft. I picked it up and set it on the counter to check later in case the fall warped the blade mechanism.

At dinner, I told Poppie I was so tired I felt a nap-before-bed coming on. I went home, looked at the messy kitchen and that can opener. I picked up the can opener to check the blade and it immediately plummeted to the floor, blade down. It landed on my left foot and almost cut off my pinkie toe.

I hope I don’t offend you with my ugly foot but I offer this photo as proof of my wounds.

This is Exhibit B
This is Exhibit B

I solicited sympathy by email and my sister, Miss Priss, who knows that things happen to me, had this to offer: “How big is your can opener that the blade would be LARGE enough to cut off your toe? That must be some kind of can opener!” Clearly, sympathy will NOT be forthcoming from the family so it would be helpful to me if some of you would also admit to doing stoopit stuff.

16 thoughts on “DO NOT OPERATE MACHINERY”

  1. Sorry about your toe. Looks painful. I have over the years broken most of my toes. When you tell someone that why do they always laugh? You only have to look at my car’s rear bumper to know I do stupid things.

  2. Well it’s time for me to weigh in on this. You so STUPID. Who drops a can opener on their toes and nearly cuts them off? I offer this one name: YOU. I swear we can’t leave you to your own devices, ever. I’m surprised you still have as many toes as you have. What a nut.

  3. Linda, I have two stupid” toe stories” to tell you. I once was put out at my husband because he was sitting in the dining room dropping papers all over the floor as he worked. I don’t like messes. So after several times of asking him to not drop the papers on the floor. I kicked at the papers in a temper fit and hit the wall and broke my little toe. Now, all they did for my toe was wrap it tight and said it would heal. I must admit my darling husband tried not to laugh at me while the toe was hurting. But he never did stop throwing papers on the floor, but I never kicked at them again either. Now the other “toe story” involves one of my daughters. We were hanging curtains in the nursery (she was nine months large with a child) So I got up on the step ladder so she wouldn’t fall. Well, guess who dropped a hammer on her big toe? Three days later she went into labor with her big toe so swollen and hurting that they had to prop her foot up during labor and the birth of the baby. The baby is now 20 years old and I still hear about dropping a hammer on her toe. The lesson I finally learned is to wear shoes at all times to protect my toes and other peoples. Hope you have learned that lesson. I bet a can opener can do just as much damage as a wall or a hammer.

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